change

i needed a change. im so tired of the norm and so many things are pointless in the time and effort they consume.



and i found it.





i deleted the only reason i log on to the internet: facebook



i feel weird.

peace to you (and hopefully me soon).

fruit

its amazing how God keeps His word.

i have seen the fruits of my labor. and its rotten. i am astounded at my inability to swim against the tide. temptation is so appealing.
as i acted in disobedience to God, i thought to myself, 'im going to reap what i sow'. well, my mind probably said something like 'this is going to jump up and bite you...soon'.

and it did.
i am pathetic and scum.

i often think about how i don't really love God. i want to. i need to. but if i could grasp it and live in the love, there's my goal.

wow, im watching an episode of one of my favorite shows : '30 days' on fx. and the controversy is interfering with the sincerity of this blog. it's a reality show (but a good one) that places people into unusual and uncomfortable situations for 30 days for the sake of enlightenment and fighting ignorance. tonight's episode involves a mormon woman who is against homosexuality and the ability of a homosexual couple to adopt children. she's had to move in with a male couple and their children, attend a support group for children of homosexual parents, and the family's church that affirms homosexual couples. i love this show. i was reading a critic of it today and he said it was one of the 'most intelligent' shows on tv. it's aaamazing and refreshing from all the other junk on tv. you should check it out.
did you know that sperm donors get paid $80-100 dollars for ONE donation?
(hah something i just learned)

on that note,

peace to you.

the catalyst

i never thought i'd see the day i'd return to a blog since juvenile livejournal postings of 10th grade. so here i am, at almost midnight, drinking fake orange juice (i'm down with sunny-d), realizing that i should both go to sleep in preparation for an early church service and also put my retainer in before slumbering.
when the thought first occurred (i can never spell that word right on the first try) to start a bliz-og, i didn't count in the 20 minutes it would take me to come up with a url and blog title that wouldn't embarrass. I always hate the rejection of spending so much time figuring out the perfect title, screenname, url, and then being harshly apprehended because you're not the first to think that one was neat.
here were a few of my failures:
tmoney : i am so surprised that someone else would claim my gangster surname. i swear im going to write a book one day under that identity.
taralove : my initial fav...and the source of my actual selection. but i can easily call taraloves home. i think it's a good reminder of who i want to be. when im ranting or raving (or perpetually deleting this blog), i can look up and say, 'hey, im supposed to love'. thats the big idea, folks.
and my most favorite and proof of how i analyze things way too much....

wait for it....

ptaraductile : HA! i was reminded recently of good old times when the similarity in my name and the prehistoric 'pteradactyle' were shouted at me with jesting. so i thought i'd play around with the spelling. 'ductile' means easily molded and shaped. it brings back fond memories of chemistry vocabulary and i thought HEY, there's a religious tie. ... anyways you can see why i chose otherwise.

have you guys discovered john mark mcmillan? he's on ruckus (well one of his albums). he's great if you like folky Christian music. He's not cookie-cutter...he's not even made of dough (hah pun...money, get it?) anyway, he is the source for the blog title 'between the cracks'. its on his 'hope anthology volume one'.

"Who would've thought it but life is finding a
way
Through this wasteland of cynics, concrete, and
pain
There's a man down here somewhere
between
The Saturday cartooons and the dirty
magazines
He's raising the dead in the graveyards
Where we've laid down our dreams
His name is Hope."

if you're anything like me, you skip over when people post lyrics, but honestly read them. he's a poet yo.

here's another:

"Can you hear him outside he's been singing all
night
He's saying when you gonna come out from
behind
These paper thin walls, your cardboard box
realities"

i'm sorry but that's grand. i'm going to go ahead and apologize for the lack of capitalization consuming this blog...and will continue to. i'm good with spelling and punctuation. i can do syntax and eventually produce some good diction. but i dont have the strength to hold down a shift button. lo siento (im sorry).

something of depth to mull over: i've been contemplating celibacy as of late. wonder if in this media-consumed society, one could figure out if they are actually called by God to be celibate. could they hear His voice saying, much less whispering, 'you dont need a mate. its not in my plan.' i've been processing these thoughts for a very long time it seems...probably since april ha. i wonder if God calls more people to be celibate than we realize. a source for the divorce rate anyone? oh i dont know - that doesn't really relate and wouldn't wish it on anyone. but i just think as i am jaded myself in this area, how amazing would it be if you heard that statement, 'dont worry about it', essentially a divine 'no problemo'. how uncloudy would life become? thoughts? friendships? we are so driven by the way we're conditioned that marriages is one way in life to become whole. when essentially, the goal is to be whole with Christ and everything else is extracurricular. maybe i'm not meant for afterschool programs. schools enough. i was offered a little mentoring in this area earlier this year and didn't take it. im dumb.
the other day, i read in Matthew...

i would like to mention at this time, that during this reading i took my Bible to the pool...not a good idea, especially since it involved me sitting by the kiddy pseudo-water park at the kernersville Y (i was baby-sitting, not pedophilic). i was engrossed in one of the parables and i felt sprits of water as if from heaven. i looked up to find a strange 3 year old-ish wearing a nifty pull-ups diaper/swimsuit (kind of makes you feel gross huh?) squirting me with a water bottle. mom's off somewhere talking to other desperate housewives. so there went that part of matthew under water. i'll always think of those times with tommy (lets call him tommy) when i turn to matthew 23, 24, 25, 26, or 27.

anywho, in Matthew...

"Haven't you read," He replied, "that He who created them in
the beginning made them male and female, and He also said: For this reason a man
will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will
become one flesh?"
...
"But He told them, 'Not everyone can accept this saying, but
only those it has been given to. For there are eunuchs who were born that way
from their mother's womb, there are eunuchs who were made by men, and there are
eunuchs who have made themselves that way because of the kingdom of heaven. Let
anyone accept this who can." (Matt 19:4-5 & 11-12)

so i read this and thought 'god you are holy and answered prayer'. just call me euney. no really, i just thought it helped to explain out of Jesus' mouth that some people are created not to marry. how radical is that compared to the way people move today. today, marriage is a rite of passage into adulthood and like i said before, wholeness. i dont know if its for me. p.s. dont look up eunuch on wikipedia...it's not appealing and im instantly excluded from the qualification because of my femalehood. my thoughts tell me it would be amazing to experience marriage but am i just a conditioned dog salivating because of a bell? honestly would marriage make my life better than being single forever? would missions opportunities fall to the wayside of the health of the marriage? is that one attachment i would abuse? its scary going at it alone and i know i'm young. but shoot me for wanting answers, its a part of youth.

i hope this hasn't weighed you down too much for a first post. who knows? it could be the last. i dont think so though. hopefully some lighter stuff to come.

peace to you.